falsechaos: (Default)
( May. 1st, 2009 08:45 pm)
Okay. As of now I am mostly officially signed up to take EMT classes. That's really the sort of thing that one requires deliberation on, even if to me it feels like I signed up on a whim. They were offering the classes, I had leftover monies from my tax return, why not?

...

Maybe not quite a whim, maybe just something I tell myself so I don't think too much about the real reason or think too much about what such a step might mean for me.

My dad was an EMT for about 15 years and a CNA for part of that. I only signed up to be an CNA (now SRNA, make up your alphabet soup minds, people) because I needed some extra cash over the holidays and didn't really expect to be there that long. Didn't expect to be where I am now, with a job I'm actually kinda proud of, even if it involves wiping a lot of butts at three in the morning.

But this... There's no way this wouldn't have a connection to my dad.

He had a heart attack and died in the back of my car. My parents had this enormous gas guzzler so they were borrowing mine because it's lighter on gas. I told dad I loved him and stumbled back upstairs to go back to sleep. Sister's boyfriend came knocking in the door less than five minutes later and ten minutes after that we were at the hospital and fifteen minutes after that, one of the EMTs called to the scene to help get my dad out of the car said, "It's done." This was after the combined efforts of three nurse all huddled and swapping out in the back of my tiny car.

"It's done."

That's the real reason I want to take these classes and pass them and do this right. I remember. I looked at her and said, "No, it's not done. It's not done." Not pleading or begging, still in a state of disconnected disbelief ("We're gonna have to go to the hospital, aren't we? They'll have to reschedule his appointments for sometime next week.") when I told her that. She's the one teaching my class.

Someday, I want to look at her or someone else when they say, "It's done" and tell them, "No, it's not done" and know it's true.

It's not done. Not by a long shot.
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